Thursday, December 31, 2009

As goes the New Year, so goes the Whole Year...

Grandma used to say that. On New Years day one needs to be careful to have things organized, tranquil, and perfect.

I'm not that superstitious, but maybe.....

I have a day to finish up the year. Good! It can't be done, so I don't have to worry about it!

When I think of the diet, I feel both dread and anticipation. I know the first few days are difficult as your mind and body adjust.

From John Bradshaw’s “Healing the Shame that Binds You” page 225

“One of the best therapeutic successes I ever had was dealing with a woman’s weight problem. The success came as a result of this exercise. She felt she was twenty-five pounds overweight. She was contemptuous of her body and put herself down with comparisons and self-labeling. I worked with her for several months, continually challenging her comparisons and put-downs. I’d ask her, “Will you love and accept yourself for that?”
No matter what she said, I’d challenge her with that statement. Gradually she began to accept herself just as she was. I refused to talk about diets or exercise. I knew that until she accepted herself exactly as she was, she would never change. She couldn’t lose weight by continually shaming herself. How can a problem that is organized and motivated by toxic shame be cured by increasing the toxic shame? Every time my client compared herself or put herself down with a negative label, she started a shame spiral. The shame spiral intensified the toxic internalized shame, which set her up to eat more as a way to mood-alter the pain of the shame. Self-labeling and odious comparisons are the way to stay overweight, not the way to lose weight.
In order to heal the shame that binds you, you have to begin with self-acceptance and self-love. Love creates union. When we make the decision to love ourselves unconditionally, we accept ourselves unconditionally. This total self-acceptance creates “at-one-ment.” We are at one with ourselves. Our full power is available to us because we are not dissipating our power by having to guard our hungry dog in the basement (our split-off parts).”

I know that only by healing the 'whatever' that drives me to eat and numb the feelings that keep coming up, will I ever truly succeed at this.

Self-love and self-acceptance seem simple really. I can love pretty instantly and on cue -- but that is others, not me. working on it....

scripture for today....
Moroni 7:45
And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

It would behoove me to practise a little charity on myself....(typing this makes me feel selfish, too concerned about me, puffed up and envying) good fodder for thought...

Have a great New Years Eve....

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Mistakes as Teachers...

Ether 12:27
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Bonnie gave me a book for my birthday, “Weakness is Not Sin” by Wendy Ulrich, PH.D.
I didn’t read it right away because I am reading a pile of books at once – always—

What weakness is it that drives my compulsion to eat? I have spent much time and money trying to solve this puzzle. My therapist tells me it is the one comfort, indulgence, and escape that I allow myself. The next obvious question would be why do I ‘constantly’ need comfort, indulgence, and escape. Still working on that one…If you have insight…feel free to share!

I realize that this compulsion is a weakness. I understand that weakness actually comes from God. I also see that my own inability to ‘overcome’ this particular weakness has turned me to him. Aha! I have reached the humble stage of this process.

Of Course I have sought the help of Heaven in my past diets. I have received priesthood blessings and have prayed. I have wondered why my prayers were not answered. I see now they were answered. It is much like me when I watch our babies taking their first steps. I applaud their efforts and cheer them on, even when they fall. It is part of the successive approximation. Each time they fall (fail) there is something learned going on. It is all part of the success formula. We only fail when we fail to try.

So I am in the preparation stage of this attempt at ‘walking’. This New Year starts with a fast Sunday. I will fast that I might know Father’s will for me. I am working on being more in-tune with the spirit.

Talk to you tomorrow…

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I'm Back....

Take yourself out, dust yourself off, and start all over again....

I started attending 12-Step meetings to address my addiction to food and my compulsive over-eating. I attend the Church ARP (Addiction Recovery Program) each week, and I attend an on-line meeting every morning, the Heart to Heart Program. (mostly Mormons)
In the first steps of the 12, one admits they are powerless and that God has all power and they turn their addiction over to God.
I have struggled with this concept worrying that by going on a diet I am trying to take back the control I have surrendered. In the mean time, I keep gaining weight, waiting for God to 'fix me'.
I can see by this, that I must participate without taking control. Only with his help can I achieve anything, but he needs me to do something so he can help me with it.

I am starting Weight Watchers on Jan 4. I invite anyone who would like to join me!

This is my scripture for this week of preparation...

Mosiah 7:33
"But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."

I weighed 214.5 on my scale on Monday morning.

My goal is to lose 1 pound this week. I am taking this 1-step at a time.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Heaven on Earth

Where is Heaven? Is it very far?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


Apr 1
Day -3

Today’s Weight 193.5

I got on the scales today expecting a gain since I’ve changed diets. Five pounds seemed a little harsh, but it is what it is. I have been exercising hard this week. My Trainer has me on a 2 hour program 5 days a week. Every muscle in my body HURTS. Whatever…it is better than starving. I am forcing myself to eat some carbohydrates to have energy for the workouts, but it frightens me to eat them.. I’m paranoid about weight gain.

Am I glad I went on this diet? Well I’m glad to have the weight off, but I won’t do it again.

Monday, March 30, 2009

The End

Mar 29
Day 40

Today’s Weight: 188.5 lbs
Total Loss: 24 lbs.

Woo Hoo! I made it! This phase of the diet is over!

Lunch: pork roast, mashed w gravy, corn, orange
Dinner lasagna, salad, chicken wraps, apple

Difficulty: 5

Saturday, March 28, 2009

So close to the finish line!

Mar 28
Day 39

Today’s Weight: 189.5
Total Loss: 23 lbs.

I was delighted to see the scale drop below 190. When I was making my personal goal for the diet, I remember thinking I wanted to get to 175 lbs, but would be pleased if I could break into the 180s and I did, so I choose to be pleased. It is fast Sunday tomorrow and I’m fasting. I don’t miss the food a much as the water. I’ve worked outside a lot today and I’m very thirsty. I’m grateful for so many things, though, that I feel privileged to fast.

Lunch: chicken, asparagus, tomatoes, orange
Dinner: Fasting

Difficulty: 5

Friday, March 27, 2009

Nearing the end

Mar 27
Day 38

Today’s Weight: 190
Total Loss:Today 22.5 lbs.

Today I had the last shot. I ate out twice and it is hard to truly monitor the food, but I tried to be careful. The end is so near….

Lunch: chicken, salad, strawberries
Dinner: Fajita meat and grilled veggies and orange slices

Difficulty: 3

Thursday, March 26, 2009

On Fasting

Mar 26
Day 37

Today’s Weight: 190
Total loss: 22.5 lbs.

The Mormon’s live the law of the Fast. I’ve never done it well. Going hungry has always been extra difficult for me because of my addiction to food. When I decided to follow this diet, I knew I was in for a long drawn out hunger. It occurred to me that it is much like fasting. When we fast, we skip 2 meals or go without food and drink for 24 hours. Fasting always begins and ends with prayer. A proper fast includes a donation or fast-offering which should be at least the amount that the meals skipped would have cost. The funds thus raised are used in the churches welfare program which cares for the needy.
I decided to make this 40 day diet a 40 day fast. I am going to include an offering and I’m trying to keep a spiritual perspective.
In our church magazine, the Ensign, which came to my house today, there is an article entitled, “Fasting with Power”. The article explains that proper and consistent fasting can help us overcome sins, bad habits, and addictions.
I feel a hope and a conviction that something more positive than weight loss will have occurred through this commitment. I believe that healing has taken place.

Lunch: chicken, asparagus, orange
Dinner: gr beef, lettuce, tomato, onion, strawberries

Difficulty 3

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

An Endurance Day

Mar 25
Day 36

Today’s Weight: 191
Total Loss: 21.5 lbs.

I am so done with this, but determined to stick it out to the bitter end. I feel tired all of the time and a total lack of energy. Afriend came over that is doing this program for the 2nd round. She lost 25 lbs. the first round, then 4 more during the maintenance 6 weeks, and has lost 34 total now. She says the 2nd round is much harder than the first and I think the first was hard enough. I want to do it perfectly and feel successful, which I do, So I will be done on Monday morning…

Lunch: steak, green beans tomatoes, orange
Dinner: Chicken, asparagus, strawberries

Difficulty: 4

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

2 More Pounds

Mar 24
Day 35

Today’s Weight: 191.5
Total Loss 21 lbs.

I don’t know what has changed the scales, but I’m not complaining. Today was back to college. Both meals were on the run.

Lunch: steak, asparagus, orange
Dinner: chicken, tomatoes, strawberries

Difficulty: 3

Monday, March 23, 2009

The Last Monday

Mar 23
Day 34

Today’s Weight: 193.5
Total Loss 19 lbs.

The scale keeps dropping. That is nice. Even though I know I am on the last week, the day seemed difficult. It is like I can taste the end, and this time next week I will get breakfast. The idea of lifting the restrictions is enticing and frightening at the same time. I worry that I will lose complete control.

Lunch: chicken, asparagus, orange
Dinner: steak, spinach, strawberrieds

Difficulty: 3

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Love Sundays

Mar 22
Day 33

Today’s Weight: 194.5
Total Loss: 18 lbs.

Sundays are so full. Bonnie and I sang in church. I am so blessed to have her close. I took a little nap after church. Then it was off to choir practice, then our class. It is nice to have it all done. Chantz has a friend staying here with us this week. She is from AZ. She seems like a very nice girl. Having her come inspired me to get new coverings for the bed. It looks great!

Lunch: steak, tomatoes, orange
Dinner: gr beef, tomatoes, green beans, ½ grapefruit

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Down a Pound

Mar 21
Day 32

Today’s Weight: 195.5
Total Loss: 17 lbs.

The scales dropped again, Yae! We had a house full today. The day flew by. The grandkids and I painted murals on the side of the Rose Planter. That was fun. It is windy and Gary cut pieces of pipe for each of out tomato plants. We also hung the new Grandchildren picture frame. It looks great. It barely fits on the wall.

Lunch: tuna, tomatoes, orange
Dinner: steak, asparagus, strawberries

Difficulty: 4 ( I kept feeling very light headed and weak.)

Friday, March 20, 2009

Still Plugging Along

Mar 20
Day 31

Today’s Weight: 196.5
Total Loss: 16 lbs.

I had another busy day. I dug the Bermuda grass out of one of my Lantana beds and Chantz came along and helped me. He is an awesome grandson. Cinnamon and Gary helped me create my picture board to mount all of the grandkid’s pictures. It turned out cool. I have to take down the photos on the wall and then Gary will put it up. I hope it works well.

I didn’t eat dinner until after 9:00 tonight. I was just too busy.

Lunch: chicken, spinach, orange
Dinner chicken, tomatoes, apple

Difficulty: 3

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Mar 19
Day 30

Today’s Weight 197
Total Loss: 15.5 lbs.

It feels pretty good to type Day 30. I’m 75% of the way – YAE!

I put a couple of hours into the garden this morning. It sure saps me. I can feel the artificial energy of the B-12 and the appetite suppressant, but it is nothing like the real thing.

I keep thinking about our ancestors who had to cross the plains and mountains with little or nothing to eat. What amazing people they were to keep going while their bodies ate themselves up for fuel. They had no choice. My intelligence nudges me to be wise and to eat a little more, but my stubborn will says, NO!! I have committed to the 40 days. It has become kind of a proving test to myself, that I can commit to something extremely difficult, and carry through.

I went on the Michael Thurmond 6 week body makeover 3 years ago. I ate around 1100 calories @ day. I lost 17 lbs the first 30 days. Granted it was salt free and I exercised more faithfully, but I had the energy to do it and I ate twice as much. I find it so amazing how the body works. I think my body is operating in the slowest gear it has to preserve itself as it is aware of how little is coming in.

Lunch: chicken, summer squash, strawberries
Dinner: Tilapia, Asparagus, ½ grapefruit


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Too little time....

Mar 18
Day 29

Today’s Weight: 197
Total Loss: 15.5 lbs.

I went for a walk then came home and worked in the garden digging and weeding for over an hour. I started to stagger and feel feint. It is so hard to ignore genuine hunger when your body is crying for some food. I feel quivery and weak, but….11 more days….

WE went to the cannery and worked about 1 ½ hours, then up to St George to Turf Irrigation, Lowe’s, Steve Ragan’s, IFA, and Wal Mart. We Came home, unloaded and had company all evening.

Lunch: chicken broccoli, cauliflower, onion, orange
Dinner, steak, summer squash

Difficulty: 4 (Just don’t have enough strength.)

forgot to post last night

Mar 17
Day 28

Today’s Weight: 197.5
Total Loss: 15 lbs.

Today was spring break at college so I had the whole day! I gardened and puttered and played with the grandkids. We had the RS social and I had helped put the program together so that was fun. I took my own food..

Lunch: chicken, lettuce, tomatoes, orange
Dinner: chicken tomatoes, strawberries.

Difficulty: 3

Monday, March 16, 2009

A little loss...

Mar 16
Day 27

Today’s Weight: 198
Total Loss 14.5 lbs.

Bonnie and I drove posts today for garden fence. We ran into Wal Mart to get a few things, then we gardened some more. We stopped for a moment to make tacos for dinner, then we were out there again. The fence is up, but for the gate. Everything is planted in my little plot. I hurt all over and I’m so tired, but it is a good tired.

It was a challenging diet day, because all that work made me very hungry.

Lunch: chicken, asparagus, orange
Dinner: cube steak, lettuce, tomatoes, onion, strawberries

Difficulty: 4

Sunday, March 15, 2009


Mar 15
Day 26

Today’s Weight: 198.5
Total Loss: 14 lbs.

It was a really nice Sunday. The diet was a non-issue.

Lunch: cube steak, spinach, orange
Dinner: chicken, spinach, ½ grapefruit

Difficulty: 3 (They gave us Hershey Bars at church…I gave mine to Phillip)

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Busy Saturday

Mar 14
Day 25

Today’s Weight: 199.5
Total Loss: 13 lbs.

Busy, busy, busy. I had about 20 grandkids here all day. WE worked outside in the garden. I got part of the taxes done. It was a positive, eventful day!

The diet was no problem. It was probably the easiest day so far. I gained, but I was ok with it.

Lunch: chicken, asparagus, orange
Dinner: cube steak, tomatoes, ½ grapefruit

Difficulty: 2

Friday, March 13, 2009

Day in St George

Mar 13
Day 24

Today’s Weight: 199
Total Loss: 13.5 lbs.

It was another busy day. We went to Gary’s cardiologist, then to St George for garden supplies. We came home and I got one grow box planted. We’ve got grandkids overnight, because their parents are on the youth activity.

It was a uneventful diet day.

Lunch: chicken, beef, brussel’s sprouts, green beans, tomato, cucumber, orange
Dinner chicken, lettuce, tomatoes, ½ grapefruit

Difficulty: 3

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Slow Progress....

Mar 12
Day 23

Today’s Weight: 198.5
Total Loss: 14 lbs.

Time keeps marching forward and it actually seems like there could be an end to this diet. Today was just a day as far as dieting went. I spent a lot of time working in the yard. We are getting the garden ready and I sprayed round-up all over the place. I turned the sprinkler system on and fed the lawn. I enjoyed the day.

Lunch: chicken, tomatoes, lettuce, orange
Dinner: cube steak, asparagus, lettuce, grapefruit

Difficulty: 3

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Down a pound....Yae!!!

Mar 11
Day 22

Today’s Weight: 198.5
Total Loss: 14

It was another busy day. Ashlie and Jayden and Vance came down. What a nice treat! There was a little sour cream in my salad today. I tried to eat around it, but I’m not sure I was completely successful.

I got stuck on the Freeway for over an hour while they cleaned up a hazardess waste spill…

Lunch: chicken, lettuce, orange
Dinner: cube steak, asparagus, strawberries

Difficulty: 3

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Mar 10
Day 21

Today’s Weight: 199.5
Total Loss: 13 lbs.

Today was another busy one. It makes being hungry easier some how. You don’t have the time to dwell on it. I went to my photography classes. That was enlightening as usual. It was nice to get out an hour early and get to come home.

Lunch: tilapia, asparagus, orange
Dinner: chicken, tomatoes, strawberries

Difficulty: 4 (plateau is getting to me)

Monday, March 9, 2009

Day 20!!! 1/2 way

Mar 9
Day 20

Today’s Weight: 199.5
Total Loss: 13 lbs.

Today I went to the doctor and they are going to up my dose of the HCG. It is supposed to break my plateau. Bonnie and I went to the temple, We had lunch at Chuck-a-Rama, and shopped at Costco. WE bought 700 lbs of food. What a project!

Lunch: chicken, Brussels sprouts, cucumbers, tomatoes, green beans, orange
Dinner: chicken, squash, broccoli, and an apple

Difficulty: 3

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Pretty Good Day

Mar 8
Day 19

Today’s Weight: 200
Total Loss: 12.5 lbs.

Another Sunday. I was feeling a little weak at the end of conference. By the time I got home, I was really feeling it. After lunch, I recovered my strength fairly rapidly and the rest of the day was fine.

Lunch: chicken, asparagus, greens, orange
Dinner: Steak, squash, strawberries

Difficulty: 4 (because of the weakness)

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Sad News

Mar 7
Day 18

Today’s Weight: 199.5
Total Loss: 13 lbs.

I had a shock today. I got a phone message and thought it was my Dr confirming my appointment on Monday, but it was his office asking me to call, because he had passed away while mountain biking. It has been hard to assimilate. It happened 2 weeks ago, but I didn’t know. I wondered why he hadn’t answered my email questions. I only met him once, but I felt under his care, and I feel quite rudderless right now.

I didn’t know what to do, but to keep on the program I’m following. It has been a busy Saturday. We worked on the garden spots. It is always fun to put the garden in come Spring. Dieting is so much easier than it was the first week. I can’t believe I’m about half way done.

Lunch: steak, crab, tomatoes, orange
Dinner: chicken, tomatoes, strawberries

Difficulty: 3

Friday, March 6, 2009


Mar 6
Day 17

Today’s Weight: 199.5
Total Loss: 13 lbs.

I ate both meals in restaurants today. That is a bit of a challenge. Not only passing up things to order, but the things on your plate. I felt pretty strong. I even got 10000 steps. It was a busy good day.

Lunch: roast chicken, salad, orange
Dinner: bbq chicken, salad, apple

Difficulty: 4

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Easy Day

Mar 5
Day 16

Today’s Weight 200
Total Loss: 12.5

Today I was busy and involved all day long. I didn’t feel like I accomplished all I wanted to, but I made progress.

The diet was easy. I got quite hungry about 11:00 am. I took the suppressant and didn’t eat lunch until 2:00. I feel content with life.

Lunch: 3.5 oz crab, cherry tomatoes, ½ grapefruit
Dinner: 3 oz steak, spinach, cucumbers, apple

I give today a 3 for difficulty. (for ½ hour is was about a 6)

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Treading water....

Mar 4
Day 15

Today’s Weight: 200.5
Total Loss: 12 lbs

Today was fairly easy. I kind of lost steam after lunch, but rallied and had a busy afternoon. The stall on the scale hasn’t impacted me yet…..

Lunch: crab, green beans, salsa, orange
Dinner: steak, asparagus, ½ grapefruit

Difficulty: 3

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Two Weeks Down!

Mar 3
Day 14

Today’s Weight: 200.5
Total Loss: 12 lbs

I think I’m having trouble adjusting emotionally to this diet. When ANY food enters my mind, I immediately feel ‘deprived’ and then I notice I am ‘hungry’. Notice the order of the feelings?
First I feel deprived then I feel hungry. There is some interesting stuff here.

This diet is so limited. I do not mind the food I get and in fact enjoy most of it, but I don’t really get emotional comfort from it. I often finish my meal, can feel that my stomach is full, but still crave food. The remaining days of the diet stretch before me like a jail sentence. It is frightening to think what I will do when I am ‘freed’.

I know I am supposed to stay clear away from sugar and starches for the next 20 days, then there is a slow period of adding in…. Will my will-power survive this? I can only hope and pray. The carb addiction I have is strong and very driven by my emotions, fears, and anxiety. I keep bumping into these feelings and having to face them without my fix. It is eye opening.

If I don’t deal with the addiction, the dieting will only yield failure as it has so many times in the past.

Today went really well. I walked a lot and kept my energy fairly well. I feel positive and capable!

Lunch: tilapia, green beans, orange
Dinner: chicken, tomatoes, strawberries

I’m giving today a 3. The wedding cake and mints and nuts, looked good, but I felt quite distanced from them emotionally.

Monday, March 2, 2009


Mar 2
Day 13

Today’s Weight: 200.5
Total Loss: 12 lbs.

I am resigned and committed to this diet, but it is hard. I had a couple of black out spells today. Once while I was on a step ladder, that was an attention getter.

It is rewarding to lose the weight, but it is hard to feel zapped of energy and strength. I keep thinking I should call the doctor, but I’m afraid he’ll stop the program.

Lunch: 4 oz chicken, cherry tomatoes, salsa, ½ grapefruit
Dinner 4oz tilapia, asparagus, salsa, strawberries

Difficulty: 5

Sunday, March 1, 2009

That's Better!

Mar 1
Day 12

Today’s Weight: 201
Total Loss 11.5

I felt kind of hungry all morning and a sense of weakness. After lunch I felt better and this evening I feel great.

It was a usual busy Sunday. Somehow the best part is now that it is behind us.

I rate today a 6. It is a 4 now, but was a 7 earlier.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

A Small Gain

Feb 28
Day 11

Today’s Weight: 202
Total Loss: 10.5

The scales go up again. I’m trying hard not to be bummed. Every day of ‘starvation’ and ‘deprivation’ FEEL like they deserve a reward on the scale. I refuse to let this discourage me. One day cannot measure complete success or failure.

That is a lesson I need to learn clear to the bone. I struggle with thinking that any given performance, weakness, fault, or error define Dianne, the whole person! Little mistakes do not have to become big ones. Little failures SHOULD be seen as glitches in the program, not the whole program.

Yesterday I followed the diet to the letter, as I have everyday for the past 10 days. The scales are just one indicator of the work I have done. That half pound gain cannot negate a whole day of commitment and conformity. Yet, it DOES discourage me. It makes me feel like a failure, like I did something wrong. It is just a feeling, and a wrong one at that. I have not failed, in fact, my strength and dedication and commitment are bound and determined to do this for the full 40 days, even if the scales never move again. In the beginning I wanted to do this without the scale. This is why.

We went to Vegas to the wrestling tournament. It was pleasant.

Lunch: chicken, tomatoes, strawberries
Dinner: Shrimp, asparagus, cucumbers, orange.

I’m giving today a 7. I felt hungry and our of sorts a lot of the time.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Out of the house!

Feb 27
Day 10

Today’s Weight: 201.5
Total Loss: 11 lbs.

I feel a little cavalier about the scale. I have this feeling like standing in the bow of a sailboat and just feeling the wind on your face. In that moment, nothing in the world matters. What is that? Is it surrender to nature? Is it gratitude? I know it is complete ‘caught up in the moment’ and I love it and if I catch myself feeling it, I try to ‘check’ it in my memory so that I can return and feel it again.

I went to St George with Bonnie and David. We went to the credit union, Grandma Walker’s, Golden Corral, Harmon’s, Sandia Farms, Star Nursery, Costco, Gas Station, and home. I got kind of tuckered, but finished the day. We got home unloaded everything, then I fixed dinner, ate it then went to to do taxes.

Lunch: chicken, salad, ornage
Dinner: tilapia, salsa, asparagus, strawberries

Today had some difficult moments, but not many, I'll give it a 5. I have the spirit of accomplishment and that is a good thing!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Much Easier

Feb 26
Day 9

Today’s Weight 202.5
Total Loss 10 lbs.

Today was much easier. I carried my Diethylprop around in my pocket all day. I took it finally about 4:00. I would have been ok without it, I think.

The food is starting seem like a lot. I kind of force feed the fruit.

Lunch: Talapia, green beans, tomatoes, orange
Dinner: Chicken, spinach, tomatoes, grapefruit
I give today a 3 for difficulty

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Today I shed more than fat!

Feb 25
Day 8

Today’s weight 203
Total Loss 9.5

Another day without a loss. I’m serenely Okay with it. I have done this so many times, I know I will go several days, then make a considerable drop.

Today I took the bull by the horns and started in on my computer room. There is a lot to go through, and I’m trying very hard to have a more simplistic life as far as things go. I have so many gadgets and so much superfluous belongings. Every drawer, shelf and bin is bulging with stuff that I might ‘need’ some day. I’m going to help my house lose a few pounds too!!

Lunch was, chicken, cherry tomatoes and an orange, dinner was talapia, spinach, and ½ grapefruit.

I give today about a 5 for difficulty. There were about 10 minutes when it was a 9, but it passed.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

getting easier!

Feb 24
Day 7

Today’s Weight: 203
Total Loss: 9.5

I had to lean to the sweet spot on the scales to get 203, the scales wanted to give me 203.5. I knew this day was coming. I know all about the disappointment of the scales, BUT I also know that my body burned 1500 calories of fat yesterday, because I only ate 480 calories. So I just have to wait for the scales to drop….they will.

Today I feel enthusiastic. There are many activities in life besides eating. I have my photography classes today, and they inspire me and give energy!

I’m in the middle of taxes….bah humbug.

It is getting nice outside and I’m bitten by the gardening bug!!

I had tilapia and green beans and an orange for lunch, then quickly between classes I at some chicken some cherry tomatoes and some strawberries.

Easiest day so far, I give it a 4.

Monday, February 23, 2009

First week....10 lbs.!

Feb 23
Day 6

Today’s Weight: 202.5
Total Loss: 10

It’s Monday and I Always have the sense of a new beginning on Mondays. I feel fine this morning. Perhaps I’ll take a slow paced walk.

I went out and took several pictures of ‘Wabi Sabi’ in my neighborhood. I learned from an article that Wabi Sabi is more than old, it is also loved and preserved. I expect that is if you have it in your home, but in nature – like a rusty old car, it is often abandoned, but is still Wabi Sabi.

Anyway the photo-shoot was pleasant. I feel weak and sweaty from the exertion, but I’m recovering quickly. I just took my 9:00 dose of diethylprop.

It is interesting that it is difficult to deal with the feeling of hunger. It is such a quiet, yet constant feeling. When you are absorbed in something, it is easy to put the feeling aside, but it is constantly reminding you to address it. I wonder what the pill does exactly to make the feeling dissipate.

Lunch was chicken cucumbers & tomatoes, orange. It’s been 2 hours and I’m hungry again. I think I’m taking a book out to the hammock.

Family started to visit and I got caught up in piano lessons, photography and visiting and ended up hurrying to get dinner before my appointment with my CPA this evening. Staying busy is really the key to enduring. For dinner I had chicken, green beans, tomatoes, and strawberries.

Rating of difficulty for the day on 1-10, with 10 being impossible, I will give it a 6

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Sunday FunDay

Feb 22
Day 5

Today’s Weight: 203
Total Loss: 9.5

I enjoy Sunday mornings.

I had several cramps in my legs in the night from my calves down through my feet. It woke me up more than once. All that occurs to me is that I drank 4 water bottles yesterday instead of the 5 I have been drinking. I know the body makes expectations…

I took a Diethylprop before I left for church at 8:50

We got some lobster out of the freezer to have for dinner last night, and when we read the directions, it said to thaw in fridge over night, so we did. I’ve been looking forward to it for 24 hours, and when we put them on the table, I was ravenous. What a disappointment! They tasted fishy, they were small and no good. $15 and all that anticipation came to naught. Gary said the next time we want lobster, we’re going to a restaurant. I had about 2 oz lobster, asparagus, and an orange for lunch. I feel dissatisfied, but not hungry.

I took my second Diethylprop as I was leaving for Choir Practice. We taught our Marriage lesson after choir and I felt a little trembly, but it didn’t affect my teaching, so that was good. The class ate brownies….We came home and I made a bowl of chicken, green beans and salsa, then had some strawberries about an hour later.

I give today a poor to fair rating for easy.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Tonight's Dinner

Feb 21
Day 4

Todays Weight: 205
Total Loss: 7.5

Geesh!! I’m starting to think I’m Bi-Polar!
Yesterday I was cranky and wanted to throw in the towel and WOULD have it I weren’t so darn stubborn.
Today I feel like I can do anything! I probably needed that ornery attitude to tell the dentist that I wanted the Lumineers OFF. He was sad about it, but he ground them off. It took about ½ an hour, and it should have been miserable (it was for the dentist – he hated doing it), but I was euphoric! I kept feeling my mouth grinning and I was so relieved to have them gone, that there was this ‘giggle’ in my chest. 14 months of discomfort gone in ½ an hour. What have I learned from this experience…..

Beauty doesn’t make the important people love you more
Kyler never even noticed….that I had Lumineers
You have to speak up for yourself
A beautiful smile is in the eyes, not the teeth
Real teeth can cut threads, open packages, and say Fs and Ss – fake teeth can’t
You can feel when there is food on your real teeth….
Society’s idea of the ideal smile may be a little narrow
Character may be more important than ‘perfection’
You have to feel good in your own skin
If you are genetically your Daddy – embrace it!
I can breathe through the awesome gap in my teeth!! – Air-conditioning for the tongue!

I’m up early today. The diet isn’t impacting my mood much. I have energy and enthusiasm for life. We’ll see how it goes!

I went to the wrestling match then a gardening class and by the time I got home it was time for lunch. I had steamed Talapia, asparagus, salsa, and an orange.

We visited with Dad and Mom, then came home an made dinner. WE had grilled chicken, fresh cooked spinach with lemon, salsa, and an apple.

I think today was a tad easier. I’m still low on energy, but I’m going forward.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Feb 20
Day 3

Today’s weight: 207
Total loss: 5.5 lbs.

I’m in a kind of ‘poor me’ mood. If feel the stretch of 38 days before me like a hot walk in the sun without a water bottle. I know I can and WILL do this, but right now it feels like the ‘weight of the world”. I feel angry and a little ticked. Gary went down for breakfast and I just felt mad at him. Lil came over to walk and I said I was too weak. I’m not sure if I’m too weak or not, but I know I am mentally ‘exhausted’ at the prospect of what I am doing.

I need an outlet for my negative emotions. I feel like going shopping…. I’ve wanted to get carpet and furniture for my living room.

I have a dentist’s appointment today to get my teeth adjusted, filed or whatever he decides to do. I just want them OFF.

I need to list my blessings.
My house is warm and cozy
My computer is new and fast
I am strong and healthy
I have many friends that support me
I have a wonderful family
I have money in my pocket
I have a full tank of gas
There is sun shining through my window
There is joy on the horizon
It bursts over me like a firework
There is an explosion of contentment in my chest
I should have counted my blessings earlierJ

I had chicken, greenbeans w salsa and grapefruit for lunch. We went out for dinner and I had cocktail shrimp, salad w lemon and strawberries.

We saw "New in Town" and really enjoyed it. I thought about popcorn once but it wan't too urgent. The day ended much esier than it started.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Feb 19

Today's Weight: 209.5
Total Loss: 3 lbs

I got up at 3:00
Went back to bed at 4:30
Went to sleep about 6:00
Got up again at 8:30

Gee!! Makes me sound busy!
I joined FaceBook and I’m enticed by it! Cool!

So….the diet…. I have a headache. I find myself trying to ‘block’ the idea of food from my conscious. It’s 9:30 am and I just took a diethylprop. I refuse to eat lunch before noon, but my tummy feels very empty and my energy feels very artificial. I find myself not wanting to get on the scales, but I wanted to do this scientifically, so I got on anyway. I was down 3 lbs from yesterday. I know from past experience that the scales can make or break your attitude and although losing makes me stoked, I know that ‘not losing', or gaining can be this little devastation, so I kind of wish I didn’t know. I would like to go the whole 40 days, then get on the scale and just be surprised! There is lots of junk to remember.

B-12 under tongue
Testo cream
Estro patch

I went to bed last night and realized I’d skipped the B-12 under tongue. I thought I should get up and do it, but I didn’t, then when I woke up at 2:58 it was still bugging me, so I got up in about half and hour and took it. I need to list them individually on my chart.

So lunch was reheated steak, cucumbers and an orange. It’s only been acouple of hours and Im ‘hungry’. I know there is still beef in my belly because it doesn’t digest very quickly, so I’m either experiencing carb withdrawal or emotional hunger or something. Yesterday I took the 2nd pill around 3:00 I think, but today I want it right now.

OK. I’ve learned that I must feel the emotion and just notice it and let it be. What is the emotion? I feel restless, unfulfilled, anxious, constricted, deprived, trapped. These feelings are all understandable. I am in the habit of soothing myself with food, and I’ve cut myself off from that. Why do I need soothing?

Things that worry me…
Turning my addictive behavior elsewhere…
Vegging in front of TV
I’m also worried about taking meds that might be addictive
Only 38 days after today. That’s just over a month. So this deprived hunger is temporary. I will not die. Hunger is just hunger. It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t really even feel bad. I have sufficient strength. I am ok. I will go visit my mother.

I took a 2nd Diethylprop at 4:00. We went to WalMart to get some Sam’s water. We got home at 6:30 and Gary grilled some chicken breasts while I cooked some asparagus and made a batch of salsa. I diced my chicken, asparagus and salsa into a bowl and ate it like soup. It was quite good. Then I sliced a cup of strawberries.

I would rate today as kind of tough, but not inordinately so.
I can do this.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Feb 18
Day 1

Today:s Weight: 212.5
Total loss: 0

It’s 10:30 and I’m hungry. I took an appetite suppressant and I’m just sucking it up. What does hungry feel like. My tummy feels yawningly empty and is ready for food. It doesn’t hurt. It is just hungry. I can feel it and note it. Why is it such a demanding feeling? It is constant, but not really urgent. I am the one that makes it urgent. It is just hungry. I can feel this.
How about my strength and energy? I feel slightly weakened, but perhaps that is exaggerated also. I will try to keep noticing.

I’m back from the dentist and had a lunch of chicken, asparagus, and apple 120-150 calories
I took my fiber also.

Took another pill at 3:00. This hunger may be a little more emotional, but it feels real enough.

I feel restless. It is a feeling that I often deal with by eating. It isn’t a great solution and often I eat a lot of food trying to get the feeling to subside. Right now I think I’ll go for a ride.

Keith made dinner. He fixed me a little filet on the grill and I boiled some green beans and cut up some grapefruit. It was very satisfying.

I will say that the first day was easier than I expected. I only had a couple bouts of hunger. The suppressants seemed to really take the edge off. I can do this for 39 more days!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I don't know if I can put a link, but the diet I'm on is pased on the work of Dr Simeon and this is the pdf version of his book since it is out of print.

It was published in 1971 and might seem like old news, but it is my protocol.

Today I walked for 2 miles with Lil. I ate fired potatoes for breakfast and I'm going to lunch with the guys before Racqual and I go to our photography classes.

It will be my last "Fat Tuesday" meal before TOMORROW>

I gave my 2nd shot this morning. Again, I could not feel it.

So far....I feel....normal to wired.

I got a prescription for some appetite depressants, but I'm hoping to not need them.


Monday, February 16, 2009

So I got my first HCG shot the belly!! I had to do it myself...scary! didn't hurt. I didn't have to start the diet yet. I get to give the hormone a couple of days to get into my system. I keep having "THE LAST MEAL" I have some fiber supplement and some B-12 for under the tongue.

Tomorrow is my FAT TUESDAY

Then ASH WEDNESDAY starts the 'fasting'

I'm stoked and ready.....

Gary made fried potatoes for supper. They were so good...

Breakfast - skipped it
had 1/4 of a dino chicken nugget at Costco
Lunch - Olive Garden.
1 1/2 breeadsticks dipped in Alfredo
Salad w ranch
Mazzoluna (4 cheese stuffed ravioli w shirmp)
At least a dozen Hershy kisses (maybe 20)
and 4 little mint chocolates from Olive Garden
a few fruit snacks
Fried potatoes
Ice cream sandwich
and pop corn

Saturday, February 7, 2009

The way I eat

I'm going on 40 Day Diet.
I decided to blog about it.
It won't start until the 16th of February.
It is very calorie restricted and I'm worried that it is going to be very challenging, but I'm determined to give it my best shot.
Every day I will give myself a shot of HCG.
It is the hormone produced by pregnant women and it helps your body to release fat. I'm all over that.
Today I ate a bunch.
I had crackers and tuna
an ice cream sandwich
another ice cram sandwich
steak, bake potato with butter & sour cream, corn
bag fruit snacks
fries & chicken nuggets
I'm going to say about 2500 calories.
No exercise besides wandering around WalMart.