Saturday, February 28, 2009

A Small Gain

Feb 28
Day 11

Today’s Weight: 202
Total Loss: 10.5

The scales go up again. I’m trying hard not to be bummed. Every day of ‘starvation’ and ‘deprivation’ FEEL like they deserve a reward on the scale. I refuse to let this discourage me. One day cannot measure complete success or failure.

That is a lesson I need to learn clear to the bone. I struggle with thinking that any given performance, weakness, fault, or error define Dianne, the whole person! Little mistakes do not have to become big ones. Little failures SHOULD be seen as glitches in the program, not the whole program.

Yesterday I followed the diet to the letter, as I have everyday for the past 10 days. The scales are just one indicator of the work I have done. That half pound gain cannot negate a whole day of commitment and conformity. Yet, it DOES discourage me. It makes me feel like a failure, like I did something wrong. It is just a feeling, and a wrong one at that. I have not failed, in fact, my strength and dedication and commitment are bound and determined to do this for the full 40 days, even if the scales never move again. In the beginning I wanted to do this without the scale. This is why.

We went to Vegas to the wrestling tournament. It was pleasant.

Lunch: chicken, tomatoes, strawberries
Dinner: Shrimp, asparagus, cucumbers, orange.

I’m giving today a 7. I felt hungry and our of sorts a lot of the time.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Out of the house!

Feb 27
Day 10

Today’s Weight: 201.5
Total Loss: 11 lbs.

I feel a little cavalier about the scale. I have this feeling like standing in the bow of a sailboat and just feeling the wind on your face. In that moment, nothing in the world matters. What is that? Is it surrender to nature? Is it gratitude? I know it is complete ‘caught up in the moment’ and I love it and if I catch myself feeling it, I try to ‘check’ it in my memory so that I can return and feel it again.

I went to St George with Bonnie and David. We went to the credit union, Grandma Walker’s, Golden Corral, Harmon’s, Sandia Farms, Star Nursery, Costco, Gas Station, and home. I got kind of tuckered, but finished the day. We got home unloaded everything, then I fixed dinner, ate it then went to to do taxes.

Lunch: chicken, salad, ornage
Dinner: tilapia, salsa, asparagus, strawberries

Today had some difficult moments, but not many, I'll give it a 5. I have the spirit of accomplishment and that is a good thing!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Much Easier

Feb 26
Day 9

Today’s Weight 202.5
Total Loss 10 lbs.

Today was much easier. I carried my Diethylprop around in my pocket all day. I took it finally about 4:00. I would have been ok without it, I think.

The food is starting seem like a lot. I kind of force feed the fruit.

Lunch: Talapia, green beans, tomatoes, orange
Dinner: Chicken, spinach, tomatoes, grapefruit
I give today a 3 for difficulty

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Today I shed more than fat!

Feb 25
Day 8

Today’s weight 203
Total Loss 9.5

Another day without a loss. I’m serenely Okay with it. I have done this so many times, I know I will go several days, then make a considerable drop.

Today I took the bull by the horns and started in on my computer room. There is a lot to go through, and I’m trying very hard to have a more simplistic life as far as things go. I have so many gadgets and so much superfluous belongings. Every drawer, shelf and bin is bulging with stuff that I might ‘need’ some day. I’m going to help my house lose a few pounds too!!

Lunch was, chicken, cherry tomatoes and an orange, dinner was talapia, spinach, and ½ grapefruit.

I give today about a 5 for difficulty. There were about 10 minutes when it was a 9, but it passed.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

getting easier!

Feb 24
Day 7

Today’s Weight: 203
Total Loss: 9.5

I had to lean to the sweet spot on the scales to get 203, the scales wanted to give me 203.5. I knew this day was coming. I know all about the disappointment of the scales, BUT I also know that my body burned 1500 calories of fat yesterday, because I only ate 480 calories. So I just have to wait for the scales to drop….they will.

Today I feel enthusiastic. There are many activities in life besides eating. I have my photography classes today, and they inspire me and give energy!

I’m in the middle of taxes….bah humbug.

It is getting nice outside and I’m bitten by the gardening bug!!

I had tilapia and green beans and an orange for lunch, then quickly between classes I at some chicken some cherry tomatoes and some strawberries.

Easiest day so far, I give it a 4.

Monday, February 23, 2009

First week....10 lbs.!

Feb 23
Day 6

Today’s Weight: 202.5
Total Loss: 10

It’s Monday and I Always have the sense of a new beginning on Mondays. I feel fine this morning. Perhaps I’ll take a slow paced walk.

I went out and took several pictures of ‘Wabi Sabi’ in my neighborhood. I learned from an article that Wabi Sabi is more than old, it is also loved and preserved. I expect that is if you have it in your home, but in nature – like a rusty old car, it is often abandoned, but is still Wabi Sabi.

Anyway the photo-shoot was pleasant. I feel weak and sweaty from the exertion, but I’m recovering quickly. I just took my 9:00 dose of diethylprop.

It is interesting that it is difficult to deal with the feeling of hunger. It is such a quiet, yet constant feeling. When you are absorbed in something, it is easy to put the feeling aside, but it is constantly reminding you to address it. I wonder what the pill does exactly to make the feeling dissipate.

Lunch was chicken cucumbers & tomatoes, orange. It’s been 2 hours and I’m hungry again. I think I’m taking a book out to the hammock.

Family started to visit and I got caught up in piano lessons, photography and visiting and ended up hurrying to get dinner before my appointment with my CPA this evening. Staying busy is really the key to enduring. For dinner I had chicken, green beans, tomatoes, and strawberries.

Rating of difficulty for the day on 1-10, with 10 being impossible, I will give it a 6

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Sunday FunDay

Feb 22
Day 5

Today’s Weight: 203
Total Loss: 9.5

I enjoy Sunday mornings.

I had several cramps in my legs in the night from my calves down through my feet. It woke me up more than once. All that occurs to me is that I drank 4 water bottles yesterday instead of the 5 I have been drinking. I know the body makes expectations…

I took a Diethylprop before I left for church at 8:50

We got some lobster out of the freezer to have for dinner last night, and when we read the directions, it said to thaw in fridge over night, so we did. I’ve been looking forward to it for 24 hours, and when we put them on the table, I was ravenous. What a disappointment! They tasted fishy, they were small and no good. $15 and all that anticipation came to naught. Gary said the next time we want lobster, we’re going to a restaurant. I had about 2 oz lobster, asparagus, and an orange for lunch. I feel dissatisfied, but not hungry.

I took my second Diethylprop as I was leaving for Choir Practice. We taught our Marriage lesson after choir and I felt a little trembly, but it didn’t affect my teaching, so that was good. The class ate brownies….We came home and I made a bowl of chicken, green beans and salsa, then had some strawberries about an hour later.

I give today a poor to fair rating for easy.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Tonight's Dinner

Feb 21
Day 4

Todays Weight: 205
Total Loss: 7.5

Geesh!! I’m starting to think I’m Bi-Polar!
Yesterday I was cranky and wanted to throw in the towel and WOULD have it I weren’t so darn stubborn.
Today I feel like I can do anything! I probably needed that ornery attitude to tell the dentist that I wanted the Lumineers OFF. He was sad about it, but he ground them off. It took about ½ an hour, and it should have been miserable (it was for the dentist – he hated doing it), but I was euphoric! I kept feeling my mouth grinning and I was so relieved to have them gone, that there was this ‘giggle’ in my chest. 14 months of discomfort gone in ½ an hour. What have I learned from this experience…..

Beauty doesn’t make the important people love you more
Kyler never even noticed….that I had Lumineers
You have to speak up for yourself
A beautiful smile is in the eyes, not the teeth
Real teeth can cut threads, open packages, and say Fs and Ss – fake teeth can’t
You can feel when there is food on your real teeth….
Society’s idea of the ideal smile may be a little narrow
Character may be more important than ‘perfection’
You have to feel good in your own skin
If you are genetically your Daddy – embrace it!
I can breathe through the awesome gap in my teeth!! – Air-conditioning for the tongue!

I’m up early today. The diet isn’t impacting my mood much. I have energy and enthusiasm for life. We’ll see how it goes!

I went to the wrestling match then a gardening class and by the time I got home it was time for lunch. I had steamed Talapia, asparagus, salsa, and an orange.

We visited with Dad and Mom, then came home an made dinner. WE had grilled chicken, fresh cooked spinach with lemon, salsa, and an apple.

I think today was a tad easier. I’m still low on energy, but I’m going forward.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Feb 20
Day 3

Today’s weight: 207
Total loss: 5.5 lbs.

I’m in a kind of ‘poor me’ mood. If feel the stretch of 38 days before me like a hot walk in the sun without a water bottle. I know I can and WILL do this, but right now it feels like the ‘weight of the world”. I feel angry and a little ticked. Gary went down for breakfast and I just felt mad at him. Lil came over to walk and I said I was too weak. I’m not sure if I’m too weak or not, but I know I am mentally ‘exhausted’ at the prospect of what I am doing.

I need an outlet for my negative emotions. I feel like going shopping…. I’ve wanted to get carpet and furniture for my living room.

I have a dentist’s appointment today to get my teeth adjusted, filed or whatever he decides to do. I just want them OFF.

I need to list my blessings.
My house is warm and cozy
My computer is new and fast
I am strong and healthy
I have many friends that support me
I have a wonderful family
I have money in my pocket
I have a full tank of gas
There is sun shining through my window
There is joy on the horizon
It bursts over me like a firework
There is an explosion of contentment in my chest
I should have counted my blessings earlierJ

I had chicken, greenbeans w salsa and grapefruit for lunch. We went out for dinner and I had cocktail shrimp, salad w lemon and strawberries.

We saw "New in Town" and really enjoyed it. I thought about popcorn once but it wan't too urgent. The day ended much esier than it started.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Feb 19

Today's Weight: 209.5
Total Loss: 3 lbs

I got up at 3:00
Went back to bed at 4:30
Went to sleep about 6:00
Got up again at 8:30

Gee!! Makes me sound busy!
I joined FaceBook and I’m enticed by it! Cool!

So….the diet…. I have a headache. I find myself trying to ‘block’ the idea of food from my conscious. It’s 9:30 am and I just took a diethylprop. I refuse to eat lunch before noon, but my tummy feels very empty and my energy feels very artificial. I find myself not wanting to get on the scales, but I wanted to do this scientifically, so I got on anyway. I was down 3 lbs from yesterday. I know from past experience that the scales can make or break your attitude and although losing makes me stoked, I know that ‘not losing', or gaining can be this little devastation, so I kind of wish I didn’t know. I would like to go the whole 40 days, then get on the scale and just be surprised! There is lots of junk to remember.

B-12 under tongue
Testo cream
Estro patch

I went to bed last night and realized I’d skipped the B-12 under tongue. I thought I should get up and do it, but I didn’t, then when I woke up at 2:58 it was still bugging me, so I got up in about half and hour and took it. I need to list them individually on my chart.

So lunch was reheated steak, cucumbers and an orange. It’s only been acouple of hours and Im ‘hungry’. I know there is still beef in my belly because it doesn’t digest very quickly, so I’m either experiencing carb withdrawal or emotional hunger or something. Yesterday I took the 2nd pill around 3:00 I think, but today I want it right now.

OK. I’ve learned that I must feel the emotion and just notice it and let it be. What is the emotion? I feel restless, unfulfilled, anxious, constricted, deprived, trapped. These feelings are all understandable. I am in the habit of soothing myself with food, and I’ve cut myself off from that. Why do I need soothing?

Things that worry me…
Turning my addictive behavior elsewhere…
Vegging in front of TV
I’m also worried about taking meds that might be addictive
Only 38 days after today. That’s just over a month. So this deprived hunger is temporary. I will not die. Hunger is just hunger. It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t really even feel bad. I have sufficient strength. I am ok. I will go visit my mother.

I took a 2nd Diethylprop at 4:00. We went to WalMart to get some Sam’s water. We got home at 6:30 and Gary grilled some chicken breasts while I cooked some asparagus and made a batch of salsa. I diced my chicken, asparagus and salsa into a bowl and ate it like soup. It was quite good. Then I sliced a cup of strawberries.

I would rate today as kind of tough, but not inordinately so.
I can do this.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Feb 18
Day 1

Today:s Weight: 212.5
Total loss: 0

It’s 10:30 and I’m hungry. I took an appetite suppressant and I’m just sucking it up. What does hungry feel like. My tummy feels yawningly empty and is ready for food. It doesn’t hurt. It is just hungry. I can feel it and note it. Why is it such a demanding feeling? It is constant, but not really urgent. I am the one that makes it urgent. It is just hungry. I can feel this.
How about my strength and energy? I feel slightly weakened, but perhaps that is exaggerated also. I will try to keep noticing.

I’m back from the dentist and had a lunch of chicken, asparagus, and apple 120-150 calories
I took my fiber also.

Took another pill at 3:00. This hunger may be a little more emotional, but it feels real enough.

I feel restless. It is a feeling that I often deal with by eating. It isn’t a great solution and often I eat a lot of food trying to get the feeling to subside. Right now I think I’ll go for a ride.

Keith made dinner. He fixed me a little filet on the grill and I boiled some green beans and cut up some grapefruit. It was very satisfying.

I will say that the first day was easier than I expected. I only had a couple bouts of hunger. The suppressants seemed to really take the edge off. I can do this for 39 more days!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I don't know if I can put a link, but the diet I'm on is pased on the work of Dr Simeon and this is the pdf version of his book since it is out of print.

It was published in 1971 and might seem like old news, but it is my protocol.

Today I walked for 2 miles with Lil. I ate fired potatoes for breakfast and I'm going to lunch with the guys before Racqual and I go to our photography classes.

It will be my last "Fat Tuesday" meal before TOMORROW>

I gave my 2nd shot this morning. Again, I could not feel it.

So far....I feel....normal to wired.

I got a prescription for some appetite depressants, but I'm hoping to not need them.


Monday, February 16, 2009

So I got my first HCG shot the belly!! I had to do it myself...scary! didn't hurt. I didn't have to start the diet yet. I get to give the hormone a couple of days to get into my system. I keep having "THE LAST MEAL" I have some fiber supplement and some B-12 for under the tongue.

Tomorrow is my FAT TUESDAY

Then ASH WEDNESDAY starts the 'fasting'

I'm stoked and ready.....

Gary made fried potatoes for supper. They were so good...

Breakfast - skipped it
had 1/4 of a dino chicken nugget at Costco
Lunch - Olive Garden.
1 1/2 breeadsticks dipped in Alfredo
Salad w ranch
Mazzoluna (4 cheese stuffed ravioli w shirmp)
At least a dozen Hershy kisses (maybe 20)
and 4 little mint chocolates from Olive Garden
a few fruit snacks
Fried potatoes
Ice cream sandwich
and pop corn

Saturday, February 7, 2009

The way I eat

I'm going on 40 Day Diet.
I decided to blog about it.
It won't start until the 16th of February.
It is very calorie restricted and I'm worried that it is going to be very challenging, but I'm determined to give it my best shot.
Every day I will give myself a shot of HCG.
It is the hormone produced by pregnant women and it helps your body to release fat. I'm all over that.
Today I ate a bunch.
I had crackers and tuna
an ice cream sandwich
another ice cram sandwich
steak, bake potato with butter & sour cream, corn
bag fruit snacks
fries & chicken nuggets
I'm going to say about 2500 calories.
No exercise besides wandering around WalMart.