Monday, January 11, 2010

That's my weight. Up 1/2 pound from last Monday.
I knew it. I have that bloated feeling that always precipitates a weight gain, but who wants to see that after the 'first week' of dieting.

I'll live. I'll carry on. (I hope)

Sunday, January 10, 2010


I could eat 60 points today and be within my allowance. All those exercise points will disappear tomorrow when my week starts up again.

I don't want to weigh tomorrow....I don't want this to be about 'weight'

Just one day at a time....not what happens tomorrow, next week, or even eventually, but what I can accomplish today to overcome my addiction.

If you think of addiction as bondage....who holds the key to my prison? Does Weight Watchers? No. They just make it more comfortable to be here by promising me a parole of sorts.

The keys are held by my Savior. The way out is not back tracking the way in. The way out is a new way.

-Matt 11:29-30
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Yesterday I ate 26 points. No exercise...unless Pinochle counts :)

Saturday, January 9, 2010

after 5 days on program...

“He Did Deliver Me from Bondage” By Colleen C Harrison on page 18

If we increase our dependence on anything or anyone except the Lord, we will find an immediate decrease in our freedom to act. (L. Tom Perry, Ensign, November 1991, p. 65)

We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives. (Ezra T. Benson, Ensign, May 1988, p. 4;)

Yet no matter what the source of difficulty and no matter how you begin to obtain relief—through a qualified professional therapist, doctor, priesthood leader, friend, concerned parent, or loved one—no matter how you begin, those solutions will never provide a complete answer. The final healing comes through faith in Jesus Christ and His teachings, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit and obedience to His commandments. (Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May, 1994, p.7)

…we as a people have turned to “self” first, putting the greatest emphasis on our own “industry,” bringing ourselves dangerously in line with the “people of the church” in Alma’s day: "And it came to pass… that the people of the church began to wax proud ,…which they had obtained by their industry. (Alma 4:6)”

My (Dianne) thoughts:
I have been worrying this very idea for a while now. I read where others have just been 'healed' of their compulsions. It has been removed by God.
I waited and hoped that would happen for me. It didn't. Common sense tells me that I MUST use my agency in this process. I have to do something. I have to contribute. Of course I cannot heal myself. But my full participation in the process seems essential. I don't really need to worry if I am doing it right or wrong. I just need to take it all to Father in Heaven and keep making that connection As the saying goes, when the student is ready the teacher will come I am going to be 'okay' with the fact that I'm following Weight Watchers and coming to 12-Steps. I trust that inspiration is playing a big part in both decisions.

Moroni 10:32
Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.

I hope that I am not putting self-reliance before God Reliance…
Yesterday I ate 23 points and exercised for 35 minutes.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Day 3

“He Did Deliver me From Bondage” by Colleen C Harrison
Step 1 Day 4
"Mosiah 4:6 – I often say that I believe in the goodness of God, but when it comes right down to believing that this goodness is extended to me by my Savior I lose my faith. I would ask you in the words of King Benjamin “if you have come to a knowledge of the goodness of God, and his matchless power, and his wisdom, and his patience, and his long suffering towards [you]”? Has this happened to you? Describe how this belief (or lack of it) impacts your life and influences your compulsive/addictive behaviors."

My answer….
Well this is something that I have to remind myself. I am beloved of God. He cradles me. Through his grace and great understanding, I am given all the chances I need to learn and grow. When I huddle away from this knowledge, I seek escape from life through my compulsive eating….over and over and over again. And while I am eating there is that false peace, that substitute comfort that seems to sustain me. BUT it is a card house with no foundation. I am seeking to remodel! I offer up a prayer with every step. I am still digging the foundation!

Here I am after 3 days on Weight Watchers. I had dreaded it so much, and I don’t really understand why… It hasn’t been excruciating or even painful. I have had to make some choices…like…I had a small hamburger at McDonald’s (5 points) instead of the quarter pounder and fries (20 points). And Cinnamon brought pizza from Costco and I had one slice of the veggie instead of 2 big slices of the supreme with all the kid’s leftovers. So there is the ‘no’ word, but compared to the HCG diet, this is a banquet.

One of my 'friends' in my 12-Step group said this,"I see that I still avoid, or want to avoid, certain behaviors because I want to avoid the consequences of those behaviors....not because of truth or for the love of God."

That is thought provoking for me. My motivation to lose weight still has little to do with eating 'good healthy' food because I love and respect my body. I don't cleave to the Word of Wisdom because God asks me to and I love him and want to follow him. I just don't want to be fat...that's why I do it.

Wednesday I ate 22 points and I exercised 30 min.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Day 2...

In the LDS ARP meeting I attended last night, we read and shared on the first step. There is a line from a talk given by Boyd K Packer, that I have heard many times, but last night I pondered it more deeply, “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behaviour quicker that a study of behaviour will improve behaviour. Preoccupation with unworthy behaviour can lead to unworthy behaviour. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.”

So I have been thinking about that line…. “Preoccupation with unworthy behaviour can lead to unworthy behaviour.” What do I do with this idea? I know that every action is first a thought. My addiction foods (about anything really) first enter my consciousness. It can be triggered by many different things, but once the thought enters my mind, I really struggle to get it to leave. Yesterday I decided to keep a stick of gum in my pocket. I planned to use it to divert the thought. It is still there in my pocket. Yesterday was easier than I anticipated.

We had lunch at Chili’s. Bonnie and I shared a plate of Fajitas. It was good, but I didn’t feel ‘full’. The ‘thought’ of the molten chocolate cake entered my mind. My answer to the thought…. “You can have that, if you want to spend your points that way.” My points are like a tight budget. I have them and I can spend them however I wish. Just knowing that and giving myself the freedom to choose helped me with the passing thought….I didn’t need to ‘preoccupy’ myself with it. Later I indulged in a 3 point ice cream cone from McDonalds. It was a point expenditure I was willing to makeJ

Here is a scripture:

Alma 38:12
boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love…

The sweet and terrible gift of agency….I am constantly given the opportunity to use it. Using ‘boldness and not overbearance’ is much gentler and pleasant than the “grit your teeth and comply” type of cure that I often try to enforce upon myself.

Yesterday I used about 22 points. Plus I exercised for 30 min.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The first day...

There were several of 'those moments'. I ended up eating 32 points. I'm allowed 25 and I had 2 activity points and then I used 5 of the 35 weekly points, so even though it felt like I had eaten more than I 'should', I was actually dead on.

I didn't plan on exercising today, but Bonnie and Tim came over to workout, so I joined them and had a moderate 30 minute go. So I get 2 extra points today also.

If I look at this as the way I must eat for the rest of my life, I feel 'burdened' but...just for today...I think I'm ok with that.

Having a plan is important. Especially having that 'emergency plan' I slipped up yesterday when Gary cut open an avocado. I didn't resist and I ate half of one with 5 club crackers (6.5 points) I'm trying not to beat myself up about it. It's ok, I'm ok.

Today in 12-Steps, I'm pondering the reason why Nephi recorded for the world to see that he was tempted.

2 Nephi 4:17-19
Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.
I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily
beset me.
And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have

If a prophet of God struggles with temptations and sins, I take comfort in that. When he says, "I know in whom I have trusted." I am given guidance to know where to go for help and in whom to place my own trust. WeightWatchers is a vehicle. Jesus is the GPS. I'm behind the wheel with my Learner's Permit!

I'm going to enjoy the Journey!

Monday, January 4, 2010

It Starts...

I woke up this morning and the dread is gone and I am excited to get started. I got on the scale….
My goal for this week is to lose a pound.

This is D-Day


I expect sometime today I will become overwhelmed and the big bad craving yearning need to escape in some ‘unallowed’ food is going to come up.

I need to plan for this ahead of time…
1. Don’t’ get ‘that’ hungry.
2. Have plenty of alternative things to do.
3. Grab the car keys and get out of the house
4. Pour a diet drink
5. pray pray pray pray
6. call a friend

And…if I slip?
Count the points…move on.

To my friends out there needing some nuts and bolts….
For myself I have chosen Weight-watchers. I’ve joined the on-line program which costs $16.95 per month. My points per day are 25 (determined by height and weight and age) There is also 35 extra points @ week that I can spend how I wish. I get an extra point for every 15 minutes of exercise I do. 1 Point = about 50 calories. It fluctuates according to the fiber and fat content of food, but it ends up being pretty close to 50 calories per point.

There are free websites out there for counting calories, fats, carbohydrates, fibers etc.

These are both free. I like all of them. Writing down everything you eat is a big commitment but the studies all say that it is vital to success. I have noticed over the years and the diets that the more determined and committed I am the more I take care of these details.

I have a plan for the day also

Breakfast: Oatmeal with craisins and walnuts, cinnamon and splenda; 2 egg whites
Snack: apple & string cheese
Lunch: sandwich on high-fiber bread w turkey, tomato, lettuce light mayo and mustard; pickle; cherry tomatoes
Snack: oz meat and a fruit;
Dinner: (I think I’m making a pot of beans)…if not….clam chowder; some veggies

As I begin this diet I am also starting over on the 12-step steps. The first step is:

I of myself am powerless, nothing without God

My scripture for today:
Alma 26:12
Yea, I know that I am
nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Fasting today...

Mostly fasting is just hard. I usually find the spiritual inspirations that came during the fast are not really recognized until after the I fast today for tomorrow's discoveries....
I am dedicating this fast to my desire to find a stronger connection with my Jesus. I know he is right there in front of my face, and it is my eyes that do not see...

Rev 3:20
"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. "

I like this scripture. How does Christ symbolically knock? I'm sure there are signs of his knocking everywhere! Also he speaks! "if any man hear my voice" How does he do that? Well...the Holy Ghost, the prophet...sometimes through others.

What I must do is open the door, Invite him in. He will sup with me and I with him.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Addiction is bondage...

-Mosiah 29:20
But behold, he did deliver them because they did humble themselves before him; and because they cried mightily unto him he did deliver them out of bondage; and thus doth the Lord work with his power in all cases among the children of men, extending the arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him.

Being fat is bondage. It is a prison that I pack with me every where I go. It is there before my face, introducing me to the world. Before anyone knows one quality of my soul, they know I am addicted. They see first the addict. With this constant shame before me, I look for deliverance – not the eventual kind, but the instant kind. I cannot step out of this prison instantly. It is a long journey. Standing at the beginning I see only this very tall mountain with a rocky, winding, briar strewn path. The quitter in me says, “It’s too hard…..I can’t do it.” The parent in me says, “Yes you can. Look up and see who is willing and eager to walk this path with you.” Aha! My partner is no quitter! He never sleeps; he never complains; he never sloughs his share of the load. I am really lucky that I got this partner. He has traveled this path so many times with so many others, he can do it perfectly! He is enthusiastic and excited that I’m going with him. He has the resolution to every single challenge we face. It almost seems ‘too easy’ for him. It doesn’t matter. He honestly wants to be my partner and to season me, and teach me, and help me up when I stumble.

-Matt 11:29-30
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Friday, January 1, 2010

It's 2010

I’ve been tracking my weight for many years….

Jan 1 2002 240 lbs
Jan 1 2003 210 lbs
Jan 1 2004 235 lbs
Jan 1 2005 244 lbs
Jan 1 2006 222 lbs
Jan 1 2007 187 lbs
Jan 1 2008 199 lbs
Jan 1 2009 209 lbs
Jan 1 2010 216 lbs

Highest weight recorded:
Apr 19 2005 255 lbs
Lowest weight recorded:
Jun 6 2006 171 lbs

What I realize about my weight is that the feeling about the numbers never changes….if the number is going down it is good news, if it is going up, it is bad news. It’s not the number itself, it is the direction I’m heading. 175 lbs on the way up felt worse than 251 on the way down.

I am OCD about food. It is on my mind or at the back of my mind all of the time. I feel a groaning in my soul when a certain ‘food item’ enters my consciousness, because I know it will stay there demanding my attention until I capitulate. PLUS when I start eating…anything….I enter that ‘place’. It is my ‘blankie’, my ‘bottle’, my ‘Mommy’s arms’, the ‘walls of protection’, the ‘place of consolation’, and ‘that soothing forgetful numbing out wonderland’ – like sleepiness in a hammock – that ‘place’ eating takes me.
While I am eating the big bad wolves take a nap. The overwhelming pile of things that need doing slip away for a moment. The anxiousness, the fearfulness, the lack of self-worth or worthiness take a break…while I am eating.

You can take your opiates, narcotics, alcohols, and whatever, and I can find the same ‘away place’ in my little bag of chips, my peanut butter sandwich, or even my nice warm bowl of oatmeal. About anything will take me there.

How do I expect a ‘diet’ to fix this? It is like using a bandage to cure cancer. The bandaid only hides the sore….for a time.

I hate diets….HATE THEM

They are the necessary evil…like labor and delivery, like scrubbing toilets or changing diapers. They are painful, miserable, restricting, depriving,….only way I know….to fix this. Diets are props, temporary, momentary problem solvers…

When the thought of food enters my brain, I am going to say something that turns me away from my problem and toward Him, “Charity, the pure love of Christ” “I am nothing without him” “I am His work and His Glory” “With Him, nothing is impossible” “He is my rock and salvation” “I was hungered and he gave me meat” “I can do anything with God, who sustains me”

I need to find myself little by little…to the end of this predicament… line upon line, precept upon precept. I know no other way than to start than with a diet.
Perhaps if I pray and hope, and pursue faith…the real healing will occur.

I am Dianne. I am an addict. I willingly give my addiction to Father-in-Heaven to do with as He sees fit.

“When we put God [and the spiritual life] first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord [must] govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. (Ezra T. Benson, Ensign, May 1988, p.4)