-Mosiah 29:20
But behold, he did deliver them because they did humble themselves before him; and because they cried mightily unto him he did deliver them out of bondage; and thus doth the Lord work with his power in all cases among the children of men, extending the arm of mercy towards them that put their trust in him.
Being fat is bondage. It is a prison that I pack with me every where I go. It is there before my face, introducing me to the world. Before anyone knows one quality of my soul, they know I am addicted. They see first the addict. With this constant shame before me, I look for deliverance – not the eventual kind, but the instant kind. I cannot step out of this prison instantly. It is a long journey. Standing at the beginning I see only this very tall mountain with a rocky, winding, briar strewn path. The quitter in me says, “It’s too hard…..I can’t do it.” The parent in me says, “Yes you can. Look up and see who is willing and eager to walk this path with you.” Aha! My partner is no quitter! He never sleeps; he never complains; he never sloughs his share of the load. I am really lucky that I got this partner. He has traveled this path so many times with so many others, he can do it perfectly! He is enthusiastic and excited that I’m going with him. He has the resolution to every single challenge we face. It almost seems ‘too easy’ for him. It doesn’t matter. He honestly wants to be my partner and to season me, and teach me, and help me up when I stumble.
-Matt 11:29-30
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
It's 2010
I’ve been tracking my weight for many years….
Jan 1 2002 240 lbs
Jan 1 2003 210 lbs
Jan 1 2004 235 lbs
Jan 1 2005 244 lbs
Jan 1 2006 222 lbs
Jan 1 2007 187 lbs
Jan 1 2008 199 lbs
Jan 1 2009 209 lbs
Jan 1 2010 216 lbs
Highest weight recorded:
Apr 19 2005 255 lbs
Lowest weight recorded:
Jun 6 2006 171 lbs
What I realize about my weight is that the feeling about the numbers never changes….if the number is going down it is good news, if it is going up, it is bad news. It’s not the number itself, it is the direction I’m heading. 175 lbs on the way up felt worse than 251 on the way down.
I am OCD about food. It is on my mind or at the back of my mind all of the time. I feel a groaning in my soul when a certain ‘food item’ enters my consciousness, because I know it will stay there demanding my attention until I capitulate. PLUS when I start eating…anything….I enter that ‘place’. It is my ‘blankie’, my ‘bottle’, my ‘Mommy’s arms’, the ‘walls of protection’, the ‘place of consolation’, and ‘that soothing forgetful numbing out wonderland’ – like sleepiness in a hammock – that ‘place’ eating takes me.
While I am eating the big bad wolves take a nap. The overwhelming pile of things that need doing slip away for a moment. The anxiousness, the fearfulness, the lack of self-worth or worthiness take a break…while I am eating.
You can take your opiates, narcotics, alcohols, and whatever, and I can find the same ‘away place’ in my little bag of chips, my peanut butter sandwich, or even my nice warm bowl of oatmeal. About anything will take me there.
How do I expect a ‘diet’ to fix this? It is like using a bandage to cure cancer. The bandaid only hides the sore….for a time.
I hate diets….HATE THEM
They are the necessary evil…like labor and delivery, like scrubbing toilets or changing diapers. They are painful, miserable, restricting, depriving,….only way I know….to fix this. Diets are props, temporary, momentary problem solvers…
When the thought of food enters my brain, I am going to say something that turns me away from my problem and toward Him, “Charity, the pure love of Christ” “I am nothing without him” “I am His work and His Glory” “With Him, nothing is impossible” “He is my rock and salvation” “I was hungered and he gave me meat” “I can do anything with God, who sustains me”
I need to find myself little by little…to the end of this predicament… line upon line, precept upon precept. I know no other way than to start than with a diet.
Perhaps if I pray and hope, and pursue faith…the real healing will occur.
I am Dianne. I am an addict. I willingly give my addiction to Father-in-Heaven to do with as He sees fit.
“When we put God [and the spiritual life] first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord [must] govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. (Ezra T. Benson, Ensign, May 1988, p.4)
Jan 1 2002 240 lbs
Jan 1 2003 210 lbs
Jan 1 2004 235 lbs
Jan 1 2005 244 lbs
Jan 1 2006 222 lbs
Jan 1 2007 187 lbs
Jan 1 2008 199 lbs
Jan 1 2009 209 lbs
Jan 1 2010 216 lbs
Highest weight recorded:
Apr 19 2005 255 lbs
Lowest weight recorded:
Jun 6 2006 171 lbs
What I realize about my weight is that the feeling about the numbers never changes….if the number is going down it is good news, if it is going up, it is bad news. It’s not the number itself, it is the direction I’m heading. 175 lbs on the way up felt worse than 251 on the way down.
I am OCD about food. It is on my mind or at the back of my mind all of the time. I feel a groaning in my soul when a certain ‘food item’ enters my consciousness, because I know it will stay there demanding my attention until I capitulate. PLUS when I start eating…anything….I enter that ‘place’. It is my ‘blankie’, my ‘bottle’, my ‘Mommy’s arms’, the ‘walls of protection’, the ‘place of consolation’, and ‘that soothing forgetful numbing out wonderland’ – like sleepiness in a hammock – that ‘place’ eating takes me.
While I am eating the big bad wolves take a nap. The overwhelming pile of things that need doing slip away for a moment. The anxiousness, the fearfulness, the lack of self-worth or worthiness take a break…while I am eating.
You can take your opiates, narcotics, alcohols, and whatever, and I can find the same ‘away place’ in my little bag of chips, my peanut butter sandwich, or even my nice warm bowl of oatmeal. About anything will take me there.
How do I expect a ‘diet’ to fix this? It is like using a bandage to cure cancer. The bandaid only hides the sore….for a time.
I hate diets….HATE THEM
They are the necessary evil…like labor and delivery, like scrubbing toilets or changing diapers. They are painful, miserable, restricting, depriving,….only way I know….to fix this. Diets are props, temporary, momentary problem solvers…
When the thought of food enters my brain, I am going to say something that turns me away from my problem and toward Him, “Charity, the pure love of Christ” “I am nothing without him” “I am His work and His Glory” “With Him, nothing is impossible” “He is my rock and salvation” “I was hungered and he gave me meat” “I can do anything with God, who sustains me”
I need to find myself little by little…to the end of this predicament… line upon line, precept upon precept. I know no other way than to start than with a diet.
Perhaps if I pray and hope, and pursue faith…the real healing will occur.
I am Dianne. I am an addict. I willingly give my addiction to Father-in-Heaven to do with as He sees fit.
“When we put God [and the spiritual life] first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord [must] govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities. (Ezra T. Benson, Ensign, May 1988, p.4)
Thursday, December 31, 2009
As goes the New Year, so goes the Whole Year...
Grandma used to say that. On New Years day one needs to be careful to have things organized, tranquil, and perfect.
I'm not that superstitious, but maybe.....
I have a day to finish up the year. Good! It can't be done, so I don't have to worry about it!
When I think of the diet, I feel both dread and anticipation. I know the first few days are difficult as your mind and body adjust.
From John Bradshaw’s “Healing the Shame that Binds You” page 225
“One of the best therapeutic successes I ever had was dealing with a woman’s weight problem. The success came as a result of this exercise. She felt she was twenty-five pounds overweight. She was contemptuous of her body and put herself down with comparisons and self-labeling. I worked with her for several months, continually challenging her comparisons and put-downs. I’d ask her, “Will you love and accept yourself for that?”
No matter what she said, I’d challenge her with that statement. Gradually she began to accept herself just as she was. I refused to talk about diets or exercise. I knew that until she accepted herself exactly as she was, she would never change. She couldn’t lose weight by continually shaming herself. How can a problem that is organized and motivated by toxic shame be cured by increasing the toxic shame? Every time my client compared herself or put herself down with a negative label, she started a shame spiral. The shame spiral intensified the toxic internalized shame, which set her up to eat more as a way to mood-alter the pain of the shame. Self-labeling and odious comparisons are the way to stay overweight, not the way to lose weight.
In order to heal the shame that binds you, you have to begin with self-acceptance and self-love. Love creates union. When we make the decision to love ourselves unconditionally, we accept ourselves unconditionally. This total self-acceptance creates “at-one-ment.” We are at one with ourselves. Our full power is available to us because we are not dissipating our power by having to guard our hungry dog in the basement (our split-off parts).”
I know that only by healing the 'whatever' that drives me to eat and numb the feelings that keep coming up, will I ever truly succeed at this.
Self-love and self-acceptance seem simple really. I can love pretty instantly and on cue -- but that is others, not me. working on it....
scripture for today....
Moroni 7:45
And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
It would behoove me to practise a little charity on myself....(typing this makes me feel selfish, too concerned about me, puffed up and envying) good fodder for thought...
Have a great New Years Eve....
I'm not that superstitious, but maybe.....
I have a day to finish up the year. Good! It can't be done, so I don't have to worry about it!
When I think of the diet, I feel both dread and anticipation. I know the first few days are difficult as your mind and body adjust.
From John Bradshaw’s “Healing the Shame that Binds You” page 225
“One of the best therapeutic successes I ever had was dealing with a woman’s weight problem. The success came as a result of this exercise. She felt she was twenty-five pounds overweight. She was contemptuous of her body and put herself down with comparisons and self-labeling. I worked with her for several months, continually challenging her comparisons and put-downs. I’d ask her, “Will you love and accept yourself for that?”
No matter what she said, I’d challenge her with that statement. Gradually she began to accept herself just as she was. I refused to talk about diets or exercise. I knew that until she accepted herself exactly as she was, she would never change. She couldn’t lose weight by continually shaming herself. How can a problem that is organized and motivated by toxic shame be cured by increasing the toxic shame? Every time my client compared herself or put herself down with a negative label, she started a shame spiral. The shame spiral intensified the toxic internalized shame, which set her up to eat more as a way to mood-alter the pain of the shame. Self-labeling and odious comparisons are the way to stay overweight, not the way to lose weight.
In order to heal the shame that binds you, you have to begin with self-acceptance and self-love. Love creates union. When we make the decision to love ourselves unconditionally, we accept ourselves unconditionally. This total self-acceptance creates “at-one-ment.” We are at one with ourselves. Our full power is available to us because we are not dissipating our power by having to guard our hungry dog in the basement (our split-off parts).”
I know that only by healing the 'whatever' that drives me to eat and numb the feelings that keep coming up, will I ever truly succeed at this.
Self-love and self-acceptance seem simple really. I can love pretty instantly and on cue -- but that is others, not me. working on it....
scripture for today....
Moroni 7:45
And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
It would behoove me to practise a little charity on myself....(typing this makes me feel selfish, too concerned about me, puffed up and envying) good fodder for thought...
Have a great New Years Eve....
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Mistakes as Teachers...
Ether 12:27
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
Bonnie gave me a book for my birthday, “Weakness is Not Sin” by Wendy Ulrich, PH.D.
I didn’t read it right away because I am reading a pile of books at once – always—
What weakness is it that drives my compulsion to eat? I have spent much time and money trying to solve this puzzle. My therapist tells me it is the one comfort, indulgence, and escape that I allow myself. The next obvious question would be why do I ‘constantly’ need comfort, indulgence, and escape. Still working on that one…If you have insight…feel free to share!
I realize that this compulsion is a weakness. I understand that weakness actually comes from God. I also see that my own inability to ‘overcome’ this particular weakness has turned me to him. Aha! I have reached the humble stage of this process.
Of Course I have sought the help of Heaven in my past diets. I have received priesthood blessings and have prayed. I have wondered why my prayers were not answered. I see now they were answered. It is much like me when I watch our babies taking their first steps. I applaud their efforts and cheer them on, even when they fall. It is part of the successive approximation. Each time they fall (fail) there is something learned going on. It is all part of the success formula. We only fail when we fail to try.
So I am in the preparation stage of this attempt at ‘walking’. This New Year starts with a fast Sunday. I will fast that I might know Father’s will for me. I am working on being more in-tune with the spirit.
Talk to you tomorrow…
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
Bonnie gave me a book for my birthday, “Weakness is Not Sin” by Wendy Ulrich, PH.D.
I didn’t read it right away because I am reading a pile of books at once – always—
What weakness is it that drives my compulsion to eat? I have spent much time and money trying to solve this puzzle. My therapist tells me it is the one comfort, indulgence, and escape that I allow myself. The next obvious question would be why do I ‘constantly’ need comfort, indulgence, and escape. Still working on that one…If you have insight…feel free to share!
I realize that this compulsion is a weakness. I understand that weakness actually comes from God. I also see that my own inability to ‘overcome’ this particular weakness has turned me to him. Aha! I have reached the humble stage of this process.
Of Course I have sought the help of Heaven in my past diets. I have received priesthood blessings and have prayed. I have wondered why my prayers were not answered. I see now they were answered. It is much like me when I watch our babies taking their first steps. I applaud their efforts and cheer them on, even when they fall. It is part of the successive approximation. Each time they fall (fail) there is something learned going on. It is all part of the success formula. We only fail when we fail to try.
So I am in the preparation stage of this attempt at ‘walking’. This New Year starts with a fast Sunday. I will fast that I might know Father’s will for me. I am working on being more in-tune with the spirit.
Talk to you tomorrow…
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I'm Back....
Take yourself out, dust yourself off, and start all over again....
I started attending 12-Step meetings to address my addiction to food and my compulsive over-eating. I attend the Church ARP (Addiction Recovery Program) each week, and I attend an on-line meeting every morning, the Heart to Heart Program. (mostly Mormons)
In the first steps of the 12, one admits they are powerless and that God has all power and they turn their addiction over to God.
I have struggled with this concept worrying that by going on a diet I am trying to take back the control I have surrendered. In the mean time, I keep gaining weight, waiting for God to 'fix me'.
I can see by this, that I must participate without taking control. Only with his help can I achieve anything, but he needs me to do something so he can help me with it.
I am starting Weight Watchers on Jan 4. I invite anyone who would like to join me!
This is my scripture for this week of preparation...
Mosiah 7:33
"But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."
I weighed 214.5 on my scale on Monday morning.
My goal is to lose 1 pound this week. I am taking this 1-step at a time.
I started attending 12-Step meetings to address my addiction to food and my compulsive over-eating. I attend the Church ARP (Addiction Recovery Program) each week, and I attend an on-line meeting every morning, the Heart to Heart Program. (mostly Mormons)
In the first steps of the 12, one admits they are powerless and that God has all power and they turn their addiction over to God.
I have struggled with this concept worrying that by going on a diet I am trying to take back the control I have surrendered. In the mean time, I keep gaining weight, waiting for God to 'fix me'.
I can see by this, that I must participate without taking control. Only with his help can I achieve anything, but he needs me to do something so he can help me with it.
I am starting Weight Watchers on Jan 4. I invite anyone who would like to join me!
This is my scripture for this week of preparation...
Mosiah 7:33
"But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage."
I weighed 214.5 on my scale on Monday morning.
My goal is to lose 1 pound this week. I am taking this 1-step at a time.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Aftermath....
Apr 1
Day -3
Today’s Weight 193.5
I got on the scales today expecting a gain since I’ve changed diets. Five pounds seemed a little harsh, but it is what it is. I have been exercising hard this week. My Trainer has me on a 2 hour program 5 days a week. Every muscle in my body HURTS. Whatever…it is better than starving. I am forcing myself to eat some carbohydrates to have energy for the workouts, but it frightens me to eat them.. I’m paranoid about weight gain.
Am I glad I went on this diet? Well I’m glad to have the weight off, but I won’t do it again.
Day -3
Today’s Weight 193.5
I got on the scales today expecting a gain since I’ve changed diets. Five pounds seemed a little harsh, but it is what it is. I have been exercising hard this week. My Trainer has me on a 2 hour program 5 days a week. Every muscle in my body HURTS. Whatever…it is better than starving. I am forcing myself to eat some carbohydrates to have energy for the workouts, but it frightens me to eat them.. I’m paranoid about weight gain.
Am I glad I went on this diet? Well I’m glad to have the weight off, but I won’t do it again.
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